Read the Open Door Interview with Louis, who shares their own hoe phase experience. You can share your own experience by sending us a note, or commenting below.
I leaned back on the parking lot stairs, pausing as another car drove by. “Maybe it’s not such a great idea to drink right under the CCTV camera,” I muttered, nonetheless digging into the crumpled paper bag and pulling out a bottle of vodka. My good friend—I won’t be using anyone’s real name, so let’s call her Miche—snorted, “You worry too much.”
Our banter quickly turned to sex chatter, as Miche shared her latest adventures. She had always been a bit of a party girl, turning to drinking and sex as a way to have fun and de-stress. “Yeah dude, his dick was 9 inches long. I was aching for days after that, but it felt amazing.”
I grunted, then a moment of silence as I took a swig from the bottle. My hand shook as I lowered it. “Hmm so, have you ever thought about being.. friends with benefits?” I wondered aloud, though I already knew the answer after knowing her the past four years. She whirled around and shook her head, “You know I think of you as a brother, I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
I laughed, a mixture of relief at having the question out, and resignation knowing I had tried. “Yeah, I wouldn’t want that either.”
With graduation around the corner, and little to no experience under my belt, I decided that it was time to step up my sexual exploration. It was time for a hoe phase.
But.. what’s the difference between a hoe phase and your normal sex life? Do you need a hoe phase at all? Let’s talk about the social implication of a hoe phase, the potential for growth (but also hurt), and how to prepare for your own phase.
What is the Hoe Phase?
Before anything, let’s define the hoe phase. I’d put it as: “a period when you ramp up your sexual activities with different people, putting extra effort into generating sexual opportunities.”
Basically, fucking around and finding out.
Answering “Do you need a hoe phase” starts with answering why. Some people use it as an opportunity to sleep around, which is fine! Your reasons are up to you to decide. What’s not OK is using your hoe phase as justification to ignore the other person’s otherness in order to get laid. This means being mindful of what your partner is looking for from sex, the agreements of your encounter, and the clarity of the engagement. I’ll discuss this more in preparing for your hoe phase.
Although the word hoe traditionally refers to women over men, I use the term hoe phase to refer to anyone with an interest in sexual exploration. I think it’s important to use the original term so we can fully address its associated social message.
So, why? My hoe phase was motivated by inexperience. I was single (and a virgin) until 24, wondering if I was missing out on some big secret of life. It didn’t help that I had been consuming NSFW most of my life. In my head, sex was the cure-all to my insecurities: it would boost my confidence and help me overcome social anxiety. Additionally, I’m prone to boredom, so the hoe phase was a novelty I was excited to pursue and explore.
You can probably tell that my perception of sex is pretty casual—which made the hoe phase especially appealing to me. I found it to be an interestingly powerful idea: a sort of social justification to push past my insecurities and to challenge my sexual expectations. Other people will have their own motivation. Louis, an NSFW artist I interviewed, said that they went through their hoe phase to find out “what the world had to offer, what people I liked, what I liked sexually, and how I wanted a relationship to function.”
Of course, it’s possible you aren’t so hot on the idea of a hoe phase. I recently learned about sociosexuality: the willingness to engage in sexual activity outside of a committed relationship. It makes perfect sense that our attitude towards casual sex operates on a spectrum, influenced by our backgrounds, affiliations, and personalities. A great book about this is Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s “Tell Me What You Want“, where he surveys 4,175 American adults about their fantasies. He found that religiously affiliated people were more likely to fantasize about intimacy and social bonding which suggest that “religious people tend to see sex and emotional fulfillment as intertwined”. I know a lot of people saving their first time for that special someone, or will only sleep with a committed partner. Whatever floats your boat!
💌 Send us a note! Are you interested in a hoe phase? What’s motivating you? Submit your story, or comment below.
But for those interested, your hoe phase can be a time to grow and learn from new partners, to try kinks that you might not have sought out yourself, and to see if your fantasies match up with reality. However, I won’t lie, there’s also the potential to hurt others and be hurt, especially if you’re inexperienced and learning to navigate the messiness of sex. Assumptions and unclear communication can lead to sticky situations—and not the fun kind! At the end of the day, it takes two to tango, and your partner has their own beliefs and boundaries. A hoe phase (or anything else) is no excuse to disregard that.
How My Phase Went
Since my goal was to learn more about myself and challenge my presumptions about sex, I prioritized making sure my partner and I were on the same page about what casual sex meant to us. Or at least, I tried to.
“Hey, I heard you stop seeing Kacey.” My friend tutted, gracefully lifting a spoonful of soup to her mouth. She dabbed at the corner of her lips, making sure not to smear her lipstick. “She was kind of devastated. I think she thought you two had a chance to get together.” My eyebrows shot up, and I hunched forward, my spoonful of soup dripping forgotten. “Really? I never thought we were anything but friends with benefits.”
Early on in my phase, I made the mistake of not asking my FWB what the relationship meant to her (I guess it’s hard to talk when you’re making out in the back of the car.) We began meeting exclusively for sex, and neither of us asked to hang out outside of the bedroom. After I developed feelings for someone else, I cut the FWB arrangement off. Unfortunately, my lack of communication made for an unpleasant ending for my partner. It seems like most people suffer through similar misunderstandings, intentional or not.
Though some people do abuse the idea of a hoe phase, I wanted to avoid any misunderstandings moving forward. If the vibes were great, or if someone expressed interest, I asked them out for drinks and got to know where they were coming from. Were they sleeping around for fun? Were they ok with a one-night stand? Were they open to pursuing a relationship if feelings developed? I know it doesn’t sound sexy to discuss, but I think it’s important that my partner and I were on the same page. The clearer things are, the less chance either person gets hurt from unmet expectations (and we were free to be horny without worrying about unsaid things!)
All in all, I had 4 partners that year: 1 FWB, 1 hookup, and 2 short-term exclusive relationships. I found that I prefer FWBs over hookups because I liked building familiarity and comfort through multiple sessions. I also found that I enjoyed being the top partner. Prior, I believed I was submissive, but turns out I was simply too anxious to ask for what I wanted. Although I enjoyed learning from the variety of partners, I didn’t enjoy the feeling post-sex. Starting a relationship based on sex usually meant that the person wasn’t someone I was actually friends with outside of the bedroom— provoking my social anxiety and aversion to conflict (I’m the type of person to say sorry if I raise my voice even slightly.) Right now, I’m exploring consensual non-monogamy as an alternative, specifically monogamish emotional connection to with partner while being open to sexual experiences with non-strangers.
Your hoe phase will likely look different from mine. When I asked my hook-up partner how hers went, she said, “At that time of my life I was like peak hoe, having gotten out of a 3 year relationship you can imagine me just experimenting with just about everything with everyone. I did meet a lot of people that helped me through my depressive episodes. I met some cool people honestly that I still keep in touch with. One of which ended up becoming my bf but our relationship now is kinda in a weird situationship. I guess it made me realize that empty sex isn’t fulfilling and made me feel even lonelier? I did eventually realize that I was looking for relationship qualities or behaviors in my hook ups and one of the people i was seeing even called me out on that.”
It’s worth noting that a hoe phase doesn’t guarantee any self-development if that’s what you’re looking for—there’s a lot of introspection and difficult conversations to be had before that growth happens. Even after my experiences, I still have shaming thoughts like “I shouldn’t want to sleep around with just anyone” or “I’m a bad partner for wanting sex outside of a committed relationship”.
Also, being authentic to your feelings and owning your exploration is great, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be any social consequences. My sexual activities became a source of friction between me and my best friend. My hookup partner was his friend, and I also had a short relationship with one of his coworkers. He pointed out that I never stopped to consider his relationship with them: what if he was interested in them and I just came by and slept with them? My knee-jerk reaction was to think he was controlling me, and it took several conversations before I saw that he was more worried about our friendship than the actual person I was sleeping with (some of his past friendships had abruptly broken off without warning.) Even now, I worry about other people’s reaction to my casual behavior. But whatever they think, I just remind myself that it’s more a reflection of their beliefs than mine.
Preparing For Your Hoe Phase
Before you start searching for partners, it helps to re-examine what you think about casual sex, and think about what arrangement makes you most comfortable. Would you enjoy one-night stands for the anonymity and opportunity to let go? Or maybe you want a friendship connection before you even consider sex. Although you might be inexperience and unsure of what you want, thinking through can help you make decisions you’re satisfied with at your current level of experience.
At first, I felt bad that I only wanted to ‘use’ the other person for sexual pleasure. But then, if we want the same thing from each other, why the guilt? I realized that I had a lot of preconceptions about what ‘right’ vs ‘wrong’ sex is, and started to accept my own definitions based on what worked for me. The clarity helped me find people on the same page.
One thing that tripped me up was differentiating between being authentic and being manipulative. Authenticity is being clear about your intentions, and accepting the other person’s response. It begins with knowing what sex means to you, and what you intend to do with partners. In the case of a hoe phase, that can simply be communicating that you’re only interested in having fun and learning more about yourself! In contrast, manipulation is presenting yourself in a way you’re not, to get sex. It ignores the other person’s needs and boundaries and strings them along on a path they never agreed to.
This video breaks it down well. Even though it’s something silly like a hug, abusing social norms and goodwill to get what you want is manipulation, period. I think people feel the need to lie (or at least warp the truth) when they’re afraid that they’re not good enough. Motivated by insecurity or fear, it can be easy to justify our actions as something we just ‘had to do’ to get the ball rolling. I think the best way to approach things authentically is to lay your cards on the table and allow the other person to take the first step. Continuing to push despite no’s, or promising a relationship when you have no intent to commit, is really just coercion. I’ll share an example of navigating authenticity vs manipulation later when I offered a makeout sesh to my Hinge match.
And of course, think with your upper head before your lower head. Practice safe sex, test frequently, and don’t be afraid to communicate your needs and let the other person know what you’re looking for!
Find Potential Partners
Still curious about exploring? Let’s talk about finding partners. I do this through a mix of openness, putting myself in new situations, and feeling the vibe.
First, openness: the willingness to share your intentions and accept the other person’s response. It doesn’t have to be a ‘dump everything out’ confession; you can slowly build up. When I meet people I enjoy being around, I drop little hints about my interests—mentioning that I draw NSFW art and want to teach sex education. Their reaction tells me whether to continue sharing or to hold back and respect their space. The other night at a house party, when someone asked what I wanted to do in the future, I mentioned studying public health and sexual education. They didn’t show any particular interest, so I let the conversation flow onward without latching on.
As you search, it’s important to stay in touch with reality. It can be easy to fantasize that you can sleep with whoever. For example, my coworker and I talk about sexual relationships a lot, but she’s on the opposite end of the casual sex spectrum as an older woman looking for a committed life partner. Definitely not someone I’d ask to bed! Another example: if you can’t bring up sexual topics without the other person reacting negatively, then why try to convince them that they should explore casual sex? It’s selfish and unethical to force your wants on them. Although I love being open and talking about sex, I’m not going to continue the topic if I notice the other person is shutting down.
Sometimes, things come together unexpectedly. When I first met my hook-up partner, she had just left a long-term relationship. We were talking our respective hoe phases, though I wasn’t interested in initiating anything. It was just a chance to be vulnerable and learn about each other. A few weeks later, I ran into her profile on Bumble. When we matched, I complained to her how Miche was giving my best friend (yes, the best friend I almost broke up with) a hickey. Right in front of me, the bastards! She slyly messaged back “Well, what if I help you with that?” to which I responded, “Wanna talk about it over drinks? My treat.” A night of discussion was followed by a night of noisy bedsprings.
Another time on Hinge, I matched with a girl who didn’t have much experience. When she complained that kissing didn’t feel good for her (understandable, she had a lot of dead fish face horror stories), I offered a casual “Oh, I’m happy to sacrifice myself if you’d like to learn more.” Before I dropped that spicy little bomb, I made sure to ‘feel the vibe’: a mix of reading body language, tone, context, and other indicators to show that the other person is open to trying things. In our case, we had been openly talking about our sexual experiences (and respective annoyances with dating) for a few weeks. She had also talked multiple times about trying her own hoe phase, if “it would help her become more confident.” That said I err on the side of caution and ask for explicit consent. Think of reciprocated flirting as your foot in the door, and consent as the door wide open. After asking and making sure she wanted to, we had a little smooch session. Flushed, she later admitted, “Ok, kissing is nicer than I expected.”
Phew, I would’ve been lying if I said I wasn’t nervous to see if I could back up my words!
Finally, I’ve found that meeting new people helps a lot, especially if there’s no one in your friend group you’re interested in. It can be hard to move established friendships towards sex. Instead, I’ve met potential partners through volunteer work, common-interest groups, happy hours, and hobby events like dancing and writing. Feeling that initial spark with someone is always a fun opportunity to see where things go. For example, during a New Year’s party, I was getting flirty with someone, and by the end of the night, we were holding hands and cuddling. Since it was late, she offered to let me stay at her place. Score?
This brings me to an important point: don’t forget your own needs and boundaries. As I mentioned earlier, it was important to me that I knew what my partner was thinking before pursuing any sexual activity. And despite my earlier shenanigans with New Year Girl, I didn’t know what her perspective was. We had only known each other for a few hours, and there had been zero talk about sex. So, I decided not to ask for anything more. Except if she could turn the air-conditioning up.
While alcohol certainly makes it easier to have fun and relax, there’s also the question if someone can consent while tipsy or drunk. What’s the threshold for you? Is making out while tipsy fine? I certainly know I’ve had moments where things might not have gone the same if I were sober like my good friend complaining about not getting fucked, and me wanting to offer. Thinking of the potential outcome helps brake your horny for a better decision. At the end of the day, I don’t want anyone to make any rash decisions for the sake of a few minutes of horny.
It also helps to think about the demographic you’re immersing yourself in. Parties, clubs, and happy hours are probably better places to find single and open people, compared to formal events and workshops. An example of demographics at work is how many partners I found in art school (bunch of 20 somethings being horny) versus in a new city (too busy to horny).
So, Do You Need a Hoe Phase?
As I said earlier, need is a strong word. It’s up to you to decide what casual sex means to you, and if you want to pursue it and why.
A hoe phase can be a great opportunity to challenge yourself. Some might laugh at that statement: why not just admit you want to fuck other people?
Well, if you were like me and grew up on porn and hentai, sex might occupy an inflated part of your thoughts. Your questions, beliefs, and notions about sex swim around unanswered. And as much as I’d like to say sex won’t solve your problems (thought it might, who knows!), there’s a difference between knowing and experiencing.
So, if you’re interested, I say go for it! Properly done, a hoe phase can be a great way to open yourself to new opportunities, get out of your shell, and learn new things about yourself.
Now go out there and have some (responsible) fun!
